Dairy entries of a teenage girl

 

SEX

sex… sex. It’s a completely disgusting yet beautiful thing. To feel completely safe and secure with a person yet share bodily fluids…. Personally i think the moments leading up to the deed are the best. When the kisses start getting heavier and more passionate. The fleeting touches under shirts and waistlines. The thought of “are we gonna do it?” Racing through your head. The moment the clothes actually come off and you see the person for the first time. The whole of them. Every scar on their skin. Every imperfection. Every way their skin moves. It’s beautiful but absolutely terrifying to be seen whole by someone. You start to overthink; “did i shave enough?” “What if they notice that stupid pimple on my chin?” “Why did i have to be so bloated right now?! Maybe I shouldn’t have eaten those two desserts…” but then those worries completely fade into the dark as you are taken into each other. Your bodies molding to fit one another as for a brief moment your souls almost become as your lifted into the greatest pleasure. That part i find beautiful. The sweat, the grunting, the moaning however… i could live without. 

THE FREEDOM OF BEING A WOMAN

Have you ever skinny dipped in a tide pool with your best friend? Well i have. The other day my best friend and i went to a semi private beach that is owned by some family friends of mine. And its a beautiful place. Always empty with vast tide pools that hold crystal clear waters. The beach is pure white sand and littered with quartz stones. It’s such a magical place. 

Well there we were, two girls in their prime time on an empty beach ready to get some sun. And that we did. We ran topless down the beach and swam in tide pools. We laid on the beach and let our tits soak up the sun they never get. And it was the most freeing feeling. To be completely comfortable in your body with another person. Free from the eyes of judgment, free from the male gaze. Just to be free in your own body. To feel empowered in just being you. And that is the most innocent way to feel completely connected to the ground beneath you and the woman of the past who did run naked through the jungle and over its beaches. And to me that is the most beautiful thing.

PERIOD DOUBTS 

That time of the month. That gut wrenching awful and painful time of the month. When your body gives you the exciting news “YOUR NOT PREGNANT!!” Yet fills your face with pimples, makes you bloated, and makes you feel like you got soccer punched in the stomach. That beautiful and wonderful time is upon me right now. And all i want to do is die. 

Periods change how you view yourself so much. No longer are you confident in how you look, instead you feel like the most disgusting person on earth. The constant bloat, the constant hormonal acne…  makes you want to hide in your room all day and cry. And the emotions. The EMOTIONS we feel. Extra sensitive doesn’t even begin to cover it. Every word, every joke said to you makes you completely overthink everything about yourself; your personality and your looks. The best way to deal with this issue is to stay away from everyone for at least three days. The only good thing about this time of the month is that you can use it as an excuse not to do anything except lay in bed all day watching sleepless in Seattle, or Titanic and cry about the fact you’ll never find love like that in your life. Don’t forget to inhale bars or chocolate and ice cream while doing is. 

THE THREESOME OR LESBIAN FANTASY ALL MEN HAVE

Men. Stupid stupid men. They always want more. 

The other night i was watching a show with my boyfriend, and the main character happens to be lesbian and in love with the gardener who lives on the property as well. We were intently watching a sweet moment between them. “Were they finally going to kiss?” “Was this where their love story begins?” These were the thought running through my head as i watched. My boyfriend however had a very different thought; “sex”. And he voiced it out loud with a very interested “are they gonna fuck?!” I looked him dead in the eye and asked if this thought was something every guy had. (My tone was extremely sarcastic) He nodded, his eyes still on the show and said, “honestly yes. It’s a fantasy.” That along with threesomes. My knowledge of this comes from a conversation we said a few days prior to this when i mentioned i would never be able to be ok with that. The prompt was brought up when he joked about having a threesome once i told him i was Bi (as is every straight guys response)…

Why is this a fantasy for all men? Is having one perfect girl for them not enough? Do they think we don’t notice when their eyes follow a certain girl passing by? Do they think we don’t notice the thousands of photoshopped, make-up filled girls they follow on instagram?? Well news flash, we do. Unless in a poly relationship, all us girls want is to be more than enough for our partner in every way we can be. Because to us, those men are enough for us. Does that mean we’re settling for less then we should be? Why is it almost impossible to find a loyal guy who thinks we’re enough for them? Is it better to date a guy whose already experienced all that so that they don’t have the fantasy of it still? Do we go along with the fantasy just so that we can please our partners? Where in the world does one find the answers to all these questions. I wonder if a Bi man’s opinion would be different or if its something in the testosterone that drives them to think this way. As they say, “men only think with their dicks.” So in truth, none of us are safe. 

AM I AN OLD WOMAN AT THE RIP AGE OF 20?!?

Partying. Partying is fun to an extent. Getting all dolled up with your friends and going out together for a night is so great. But for me this is a rare occasion. Here i sit at home on a Friday night. Again. I have absolutely no where to go and no one to go with and all around me people are getting ready for a night out of drinking and lord knows what else because it’s Friday. Which for most people means no work tomorrow. I am indeed one of those people who doesn’t have work tomorrow but i also have no where to go. 

So i tried to call my mom and talk to her because she’s my best friend. And in return she sends me a picture of a restaurant and says that she too is out for the night. Even my 40 something year old mother has a better social life then i do. Here i am sitting in my apartment with my two cats, blogging, and listening to ABBA. When did my life become boring?! When in my young life did i decide to become a stay at home grandma who is forever going to be single with her seven cats? Somebody come pull me out of this slump. I’m begging. 

YEARS LATER 

sometimes I sit and I look through my camera roll at what my life used to be like. the people I used to know. the food I ate, the places I went, laughter that was shared and I miss it. what happened to that time? how did it all slip by so quickly? weeks grew into months and months grew into years and suddenly everything was different. those people I used to spend every day with I hardly know anymore. the places I used to frequent are thousands of miles away. is it my fault for letting it all slip away so fast? did I fail to hold onto every moment and value every shared laugh? will I ever get it back? or is this what its like to grow up and change. grow apart and take your own path in life? I miss the person I was sometimes. she was carefree, she was happy. sometimes that brings out the best or worst versions of yourself. she was spontaneous in a way; booking last minute trips, going with the flow of everyday life. no day was ever the same. she threw money at dinner with friends, shopping sprees and sweet treats. she refused to pay for phone service and would often vanish for a few days, unable to reach anyone and unable to be reached. she would run away from her problems to beaches hours away from home and spend her day there disconnected from everything and everyone. I miss that girl. now growing up I can't be her anymore. dinners out with friends are rare, phone is paid for, clocked in for my 9-5 five days of the week and on my days off im too exhausted to leave the comfort of my room. I haven't found that special place to run away to. how do I mix both of these people, bringing only the good from either. which was the best version of me? who was happier? how can I bring her back. 

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