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Growing Pains

 

This may contain: a woman sitting on the floor in a room with yellow walls and furniture, wearing white shoes


        How do you move on from what feels like the best year of your life? I imagine what I feel is similar to someone peaking in high school. That rush of knowing your life is the shit and you have everything at your fingertips. But my year wasn't in high school, it was the year after. 

    I was 19 and had the world in the palm of my hand. an adult but not quite a "real" adult. I was free. Living on my own, paying rent, and on my own timeline. I came and went as I pleased. I partied, I nannied, I had an emotional support vape at all times. 

    Now I'm almost 23. Not too far from 19 but it feels like it could have been worlds away. I live in such a different world now, mentally and physically. I play the role of an actual adult. I pay bigger bills, I have no time for fun, my only friend is my boyfriend, and I gave up my emotional support vape. (I miss her) 

    Life doesn't feel as free anymore. I used to be able to vanish for days and had no concern. Now I leave for a day and life is suddenly $1000 more expensive. When did life stop being fun??? 

    I always try to go easier on myself. I mean almost everyone I know my age is still living off of their parents in on away or another; moving back home, studying abroad, racking up that college debt... At least in a way I don't have that. I didn't go to college. it felt like a waste of time for me and sometimes I regret it. I wish I had taken advantage of having the chance to be a kid for four more years. Instead I feel stuck in being an adult. 

    I was able to escape it the other day at the beach. there I was all alone, the beach fully mine and I realized that's what life is about. I played in the waves, I rolled in the sand, and did cartwheels to my heart content. Only me and the sound of the waves in my mind, the hot sun warming my body. Sending jolts of that childlike joy through my body again. I remembered I am only 22. only 22! why am I being so serious? that's not what this one life is about. 

    So how do we step back more often. How do we have fun again? without the stress of what we should be doing or what we could have done. How do we let go and just be again? 

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